I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
