my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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