I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
