I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
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Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
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Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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