We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
