he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
