I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
