Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I have feelings that need drinking.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
