I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Green mimosas i think yes
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
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One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
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I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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