i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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