he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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