tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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