had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
