Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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