Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
