I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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