they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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