mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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