The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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