Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
