That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
