I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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