she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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