i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
