We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
