This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
