Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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