My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
