I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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