I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
