Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize
