In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My liver just had a heart attack.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
