Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
