i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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