ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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