I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
