I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Send help, water and tortillas.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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