Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Randomize
