Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
