WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
