I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
