she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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