he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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