we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
