I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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