If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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