He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Come see our sink grown plant.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
