I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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