If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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