i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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