Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
