so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The uberlube is also flammable
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
