I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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