No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
