this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
