I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
