Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
